I miss working

I was looking at some job postings and saw a few that I would love to apply, but I’m sure when they hear I can only work every other week, they won’t like it too much. There is no frekn way I can work the week of chemo, plus going for injections 4 days after. I am just tooo sick and still have 5 chemos left, plus then reverse the colostomy, plus then fix the boobs, who knows how long all that will take. How am I suppose to look for a job with all this. Not that easy. Nobody will hire me if I have to take every other day off, or weeks at a time.

Looking out

Dancing with death

You gotta love it. It is something that’s going to be your partner. Death. No matter who you are. It will be your partner one day. There’s really nothing to fear. It’s like going to a party where you know you are the star. But you will own it if you are the battle warrior you think you are.

I win

I feel resentful

I know yesterday I said how I felt hurt for my daughter, today I feel resentful towards both. I am tired of their problems that somehow result being dumped on me. I’m tired that they don’t contribute to the house in any way but feel it’s somehow owed to them and when they don’t get even more they call me a bad mom. I’m frkn tired of it. And they ask me why I drink? heh!! and supposedly would miss me if I die! Load of shit!!! They’d be glad probably!

I'm gonna cast a spell on you

Out of the woods

After talking to one of my daughters yesterday I wondered, once again, how can someone so beautiful, young and full of life, be hurting so much inside. She’s like a child warrior fighting her way through the dark woods of the mind. There are many reasons why, but no explanation can change her perception until she sees the light herself.
I cannot tell her of my dark shadows, spider webs and demons in my own mind. It would not give her courage.
She says she wants to get out on her own, but is afraid what would happen to her if I die. As long as I’m alive, she says, everything is possible.
She does not realize how these words are a burden more than a compliment. She does not realize that those words made me depressed.
Once again, I feel trapped and responsible for her pain. There’s nothing I can do. I cannot give her money, I cannot give her confidence and courage, she has to earn that herself.
My heart aches again.

In the dead of night

A happy family

I look at Obama’s family and they all really look happy. Successful, loving parents, loving husband, loving wife and beautiful too. It’s a rare find and I’m glad for them.

I’ll do my best for my family to be best they can be. It is most important to have the right partner in your pursuit of happiness if you choose to have one, otherwise it’s constant conflict and you get nowhere. But life has a way of turning conflict and bad times into something beautiful, so we never know how it will turn out, we can only make effort to do our best.

into the night

My horse and carriage are coming

To take me through the mysterious woods. Nobody gets sick there, and when they do, there is a remedy at hand. Tricks and knowledge passed down by the elders. No insurance or pharmaceutical companies involved.  No co-pays and million dollar treatments.  Everyone is welcome and treated the same. (in my fantasy world)

waiting in the rain

The Secret Valley

I want to go to a secret valley, fantasy land, where there’s magic beings so I can escape the drag reality. The bordom of being at home waiting for the next chemo appointment, waiting for the day to have the colostomy reversed so I can feel normal again, waiting for my breast reconstruction so I don’t feel like a freak. Waiting, waiting and more waiting.

In the shaddow

behind the mask

dreamin

Loosing Weight

I know what it takes to loose weight, but I can’t seem to give up drinking wine. That is the biggest calorie add on but it makes me mellow and forget about the bag. Until I get dihariah from it, then I remember I need to give up everything that makes me feels good. The medications only make feel like a zombie and I don’t like it. I guess that’s what the battle is all about. What you”re willing to give up.

Chemo held back again? WTF!!!

Now it’s something else that’s too low sending me back another week.
I stink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate the bag. THe bag hates me. It’s winning right now.!!! Da bitch!!